lifting a weight

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 23:57:00 -0500

i need to get this off my chest; it’s been building for a while.

i am a plus size woman. i have been plus size since i reached puberty. my weight has fluctuated at times, like it does for many women. as my weight has been a topic brought up repeatedly over the years, i feel i need to make this once and for all abundantly clear: I LIKE MYSELF. no, in fact, I LOVE MYSELF!

hell yea, i have insecurities, just like everyone else. i obsess over my skin, and my hair, and what i wear. i’ve never been comfortable being photographed, even when i was a skinny little kid. anyone who knows me well knows i’m not really shy, but it takes me a while to come out of that box and get really comfortable with people. i was bullied in school, in part because i was so socially awkward, and as i got older my weight became a teasing point. not being liked by my classmates was devastating.

today, though, i really don’t care if you like me or not. i’m still socially awkward. i’m still fat. i think it’s awesome when other people get motivated to lose weight, and be healthier, and have positive body images for themselves. THAT’S GREAT, GOOD FOR YOU, REALLY. what’s not okay is the thinly veiled bullying treatment i still receive as an adult plus-sized woman from the people who supposedly care about me.

i don’t care about the random asshole who calls me a fatty on the sidewalk, or the rude, impatient man behind me, huffing because i’m not going fast enough down the stairs for a train he wasn’t going to catch anyway. i don’t care about guys who won’t date me because of my size, because I’M AWESOME and don’t need to be wasting my valuable time on dudes who aren’t into me the way i am. i don’t care about the girls working in VS who snicker when i ask if they carry my size. i don’t care about all the discriminatory treatment i receive from others ALL THE TIME for my weight.

i’m talking about my friends and family and coworkers. making comments about my weight, UNASKED FOR, is not okay. giving me dieting tips, telling me how you lost weight, when i have not approached you for advice, is not showing me you care. it’s hurting me. you’re not my friend when you tell me that you think i’d be happier if i weighed less and you want to help me shed some pounds and start rattling off advice. you’re not my friend when, in order to hang out with you, you make me hang out with your friends; people who make a point to make me feel inferior for my size and treat me like i should be grateful (actually say thank you!), to be in their company, because people like me don’t belong. you’re not my friend when you ask me if i’m really going to eat the only food i could afford to buy, because of the carb content, and tell me to eat more vegetables. it’s not okay to make me take pics with you because you’ll look so much thinner next to me. get your fucking camera away from me, your nose out of my food, and your head out of your ass.

i know how hard it is to be an overweight person in an image-obsessed society. i know how hard it is to find clothes i like in my size, because a lot of what’s out there for plus size women, in prices i can afford, is just plain ugly. and fat people’s money isn’t as good as skinny people’s money, or so it sometimes seems. i know what it’s like to be glared at by someone while i eat some frozen yogurt on st. mark’s on a blistering hot day. i know what it’s like to be on the subway, dead on my feet after a 14 hr day doing hair, only to hear three skinny girls, sitting down, taking up at least 5 seats between them, talking about how fat people shouldn’t be allowed to sit on the subway because they take up more than one spot, while pointedly looking at me. OH I KNOW. i have a strong enough back bone to withstand any and all negative treatment i receive from strangers, and i don’t need protecting.

you don’t have to tell me how much better not being fat is. i’m sure it is. i’m happy you’re happy you’re not fat. just don’t go trying to tell me how i should feel about myself. don’t try to tell me you just want me to be healthy. i’ve had my blood sugar tested. i’ve had my thyroid tested. i’m healthy, and i don’t hate myself. why is it so hard to believe or accept that i have good self-esteem? why am i not allowed to look in the mirror and see a pretty girl looking back at me, just the way i am?

i understand not everyone sees me the way i do (something i’ve been told to my face by a guy trying to fat-shame me). but you know what? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

you, as my friend/family, should love me as i love you, and let me love myself. end of story.

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Felicia Nelson

lifting a weight

hair by me

hair by me

hair by me, by chance clothing

hair by me, by chance clothing

a super sneak peak of my latest shoot

hair by me, Sara Forrest Photography

hair by me, Sara Forrest photography

hair by me, Sara Forrest photography

hair by me, Sara Forrest photography

hair by me, REVERIE magazine

hair by me, REVERIE magazine

hair by me

hair by me

hair by me, KENTON magazine

hair by me, KENTON magazine

hair by me

hair by me

hair by me, joyeuse photography

hair by me, joyeuse photography